I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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