My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
