i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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