he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
