she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
