Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
