I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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