you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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