im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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