I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
