I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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