my mouth tastes like poor choices
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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