I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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