I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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