theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
