I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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