I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
