I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
