it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
