you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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