i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Drunk is not a location!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
