remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16