A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
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I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney