Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.