I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
