Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
