i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
