I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
