She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
