so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
