i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
