I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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