Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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