I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
