Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
