I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
