Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
