Where are you?
In a non slutty way
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
