this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just gift wrapped bread.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
