Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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