Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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