two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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