I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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