this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
