Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
