so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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