Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i love accidental penises.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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