its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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