Ambien. No doubt about it.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
