he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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