Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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