question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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