Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
