So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
