I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
