My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
