Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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