i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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