wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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