i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
