i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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