hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
