i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
