I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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