remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
