i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
